Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Stupid horse

I'm all saddled up, feeling positive, happy, ready for the long ride into 2011 and that stupid bronco is getting all crazyon me.
OK enough horsey allegory - promise i wont do it to you anymore lol!

But yesterday, first day back at work => same old probs :P
get home and have to do this that and the other, main task being helping kids with homework and that went very poorly!
I realize in hind-sight that goig back to school for them is just as much of a PITA as going back to work is for me. I realize also a ltitle too late that they are probably still a little discombobulated from the jetlag just like I am.
But I'm forgiving myself instead of beating myself up for it because you know why i lost my patience with them? because i'm discombobulated and irked about work ;P
SO the moral of the story is two steps forward one step back - that's still in the right direction, right?!
(or would that be four hoofs forward, two hoofs back? hehehe)

This has however confirmed in my mind the need to cut back my hours at work - i really need to be there for my kids and to have time to take care of my health, my and my family's eating, my household, my couple. I NEED more time to become the mother / wife / person / christian I envision and ALSO to reflect upon the fact that i dont HAVE to be the mother / wife etc... I envision - it's ok to not be perfect but i dont even have the mental energy to practice acceptance and forgiveness of myself if that makes sense.

Christophe suggested waiting til maybe end of week or beginning of next week before hounding them with this request. He pointed out that i already ask for a lot (massage school (denied), pediatric school (failed entrance), help in my job...hehehe. he's right and i know this which is one of the reasons i am already nervous about asking them yet another thing. but hey, this is my and my kids lives we're talking about right? i have to stand up for what i believe to be the best for us. will my boss be there for me when my kids end up in jail because i was such a lousy unavailable mother? or will they come to my funeral when i kill over from stress? well, they might, but it wont matter anyway will it?
That's what i try to tell myself anyway but i still feel my heart skip a beat and my knees go weak when i think about going up to my boss to ask him to let me go 75% time when i've already told him how behind i am :"/


Anonymous said...

slow down, you are still getting over effects of traveling. going back to school is a PITA, nolan starts back today and i'm already dreading the wake up/breakfast/get dressed routine. BUT it is a new year and should be embraced cause we at least get a chance to give it a try. stop being so hard on yourself. for once, i agree with christophe~never thought you'd hear that from me did you. i love you and wish you all the best and easy times this year. keep the faith. love mama

Kendra said...

Things are that that way here too. And we haven't even been traveling. It will just take a little bit of time to settle into a new routine. Be patient.