Tuesday, June 21, 2011

G is for God

My ravelry name and blog name (rebeccaWIP) refers to work in progress. Very appropriate because double entente for me.
If you're a crafter you are already familiar with wip's. These are projects we've been dreamnig of, laboring over, petting, loving, creating one stitch at a time. We've planned it out, thought about it incessantly, turned it over in our minds, swatched for it... how many hours in each project? And we love every bit of it - the feel of the yarn, the drape of the fabric,the lines, the details. And they're all so different.

I was raised southern baptist. I heard fire and brimstone preacing from the get-go. You have to be good to go to heaven is what i heard (was it what was preached or just my interpretation?) I never could mesure up - i have mean thoughts, i'm impatient and selfish and short-tempered (where's the love in that) . I'm an emotional time-bomb and an emotional eater (neither show that christian characteristic of self-control). I am not understanding with my own short-comings or with the short-comings of those closest to me, who need me to support, encourage and build them up more than anyone. I cannot mesure up. I will never be good enough.
The message i heard at the methodist church i went to as a teenager wasnt at all hell and damnation like that. But it was very social and fun. Not really getting down deep into ...well, anything.
Then i wentoff to college. And took an honor's class on world religion from greek mythology to judeo-christianity. I should have known better with a title like that. We had to read the whole bible and several greek plays. The teacher, an obvious atheist, was putting Christianity on the same basis as mythology. And he tore the bible apart for us. This contradicts this, which contradicts this and that. And here this repeats itself which is stupid and there yada yada... By the end of the semester when i went home for Christmas I was a mess! I sat behind the pulipt crying my eyes out because i was so confused. My granddaddy found me back there and never asked what was wrong but just held me. Geez! Now i'm crying. Anyway, between the confusion I felt as a child and now this, you can imagine my inner turmoil. Not to mention all the questions we ask ourselves... 'why would God let that happen' 'If that person is a believer why did he [fill in the blank]? did he not pray as hard as he should have?' 'if that person is a Christian then why is he acting like that?' etc...
My faith has always floundered. So why not just call myself an atheist or an agnostic and be done with it?
There have been times in my life when i know that God was there helping me through. When I became pregnant and Christophe and I broke up, I was surrounded by love from my sisters and my bff and even strangers who God put in my path. When I prayed night after night balling my eyes out that Christophe and I would get back together against all odds. And since then, since i've been back here, i feel He has provided me with Christian friends at just the right times.
One of those Christian friends started a bible study about 7 years back. We kept on for a few years before our little group of 4 women kind of drifted apart to my great chagrin.
One study we did just happened to correspond to the time I started crafting and blogging. And I came across this verse :
In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Ph 1:4-6

It really struck me strongly at the time. I felt encouraged to know that God was working lovingly in me as my creator kind of like i work on my projects. I've been learning about a different God than the one i grew up "knowing". This one is loving, caring, merciful, forgiving.

So maybe I'm not perfect and never will be. That's where God's grace and mercy come in.
Maybe I've been a horrible mother and Christian. That's where forgiveness covers it over.
Maybe my faith in all of these things is shot. Well...that's the hic-up right there. That's what's been holding me back all these years.

I recently found some other Christian friends and we're reading a book together called battlefield of themind by joyce meyer, and discussing it once a week. And i think I'm beginning to "figure" that last part out. God is true to His word but if I'm not yielding myself to Him, He cant work in me.

This may sound wierd, confusing, esoteric, cheesy, silly, out there, whatever, but what I'm getting at is I'm God's work in progress.
But I just wish He'd get on with it ; )


Tiddy and Charlie. said...

I think people have always had doubts and questions, but it is only this generation that is brave enough to admit it. I dont understand God, but I know He is love and thinks we are great. I love Joyce Meyer's (approx) quote to 'be happy where you are on the way to where you are going'. She talks a lot of sense :o)

Anonymous said...

becca, as long as we are on this earth, we are a work in progress. love you, mama

Anonymous said...

Questioning and searching is healthy. I think believing with your eyes wide open is harder (and therefore, more meaningful) than unquestioning, blind following. Give yourself a little sympathy and a little room to breathe.